i loved you first

it was an ancient summer, the kind that tasted of cinnamon sticks and spices. i remember your bright eyes glowing through a sweet tangerine dream. i cut my way through the thick skin, i curved my fingers around the cracks in the case.

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you watched me behind my suffocating mountain of thick weeping-pink candy floss. at the top of the highest peak of the highest ride you would take my hand in yours and look at me with that sinking look and say “this is it.” I always wondered what part of us ended each time you said those words, but I screamed louder than I ever have on the way down.

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Sometimes you moved the hair out of my eyes and tickled me until hot tears spilled down my face. i begged you to stop but you always said “I couldn’t ever stop.” I would wake you up with the soft curves of my lips at four in the morning, your sleepy smile collapsing against my cheek. one morning you kissed my marble wrists and wrapped around it a golden bracelet. You told me it made my eyes glitter a ocular spectrum of celestial colors. golden, you said. gold.

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One day it was over, as most summer romances come to an end. it was a dark day though it was bright and blue outside. it didn’t rain but my skin was wet. after an entire summer of holding hands and watching the streetlights in your eyes, I knew that that we were falling out of love. i woke up with you every morning for days, years, lifetimes; but this time you were standing at the window. you kissed me on my lips, plainly, softly, and clicked the door shut. you left a note on my white window sill that said;

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mon cherie,
summer is over now. if you look outside this window you will see that the world turning gold. I’ve seen this same color in your eyes many times, and that is why I know that I cannot and could not stay another day. If you are gold, then I am the grass. If you are gold, then I am the blue sky. If you are gold, then I am the ocean breeze. I loved you from the moment I first saw you. I know you will move on with your life, I know that you will find somebody who will take your hand on the big dipper, or who will watch the stars fall from the skies. I know that he will love you as much as I ever did, but I ask you to not forget this;

i loved you first

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at dizzying heights, close to constellations, I wondered what part of us ended when you said those words. but the first time I figured it out, my feet were planted so firmly onto the ground I was afraid I would drown.


I still screamed all the way down.

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it was the most important part.

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and I always knew that we would be like lovers who faced something unspeakably tragic and horrific together; like a near fatal accident, like an abortion, like a threesome.

i saw you occasionally afterward. we were strangers again. we never touched, we never glanced but i would hold my breath every time you were around.

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then one day, though I’ll never know why, you looked at me and smiled your ancient, sweet, smile, and you turned away. i think about you often, but I know I will never see you again. and of all the things I can take with me, my most favorite one is this; i loved you first.